Love At First Sight for the Mentally Unhinged
by hollyivy7
Summary: Kyoko needs to get it in to her head that Hiruma Youichi is not an elven prince by any stretch. Ren thinks that he should be getting paid for this. Hiruma is thankfully unaware. crack!crossover. NOW NOT A ONE-SHOT ANYMORE.
1. Chapter 1

"Kyouko," started Ren. "I really don't think this is the best idea."

The two of them were currently hiding behind a corner in front of Deimon High School's entrance. Kyouko was crouched down and scanning for a certain someone. Ren was just there to make sure she didn't get in too much trouble.

The girl in question shushed him.

"Nonsense!" she whispered fiercely. "Besides, do you want him to hear us?"

Ren held up his hands in surrender, an amused smile gracing his handsome features.

"Who _is_ this person you've been so infatuated with?" he asked curiously, with more than a hint of hidden jealousy.

Kyouko sighed dreamily, "Well, I don't actually know his name, but-"

"You've been stalking the boy for a month now, and you don't even know his name?" Ren said incredulously.

The black-haired girl scowled briefly, no doubt about to tell him off, only to widen her eyes to the size of saucers.

"It's him!" Kyouko grasped Ren's arm tightly, like they were about to see a rock star and not a high school student. "It's really him!"

Ren followed her excited gaze to a lanky blond sauntering toward the entrance.

"The prince of the elves!" she cried dramatically, half way to the fairy kingdom already. "Oh, he must be on good terms with Corn too! Prince of fairies, prince of elves - they're probably the best of friends!"

Ren felt slightly insulted at the insinuation that the boy and he were anything alike. Oh sure, Ren could see where Kyoko's delusions had come from. The object of her current adoration had, how would she put it, golden strands of silky hair, enchanting eyes of emerald, porcelain skin, and this was the clincher - pointed ears. Unfortunately, Kyoko was completely blind to the high-schooler's _other_ features.

Mainly, the seven firearms he was toting with disturbing ease (how was he carrying them all, anyway?). The maniacal laugh and wickedly sharp teeth were probably good warning signs. Also, the "elf" had just shot a round of, dear god, bullets (hopefully rubber) into the air.

"_Ya_ ha!" he screamed. "The Deimon Devil Bats are now RECRUITING!"

Ren was well aware of the shrieks of terror coming from the surrounding students.

"Oh my god, it's Hiruma!"

"AUGHHAKDJGKAHHGFKLKLA!"

One girl started praying profusely. Another student was rocking himself back and forth.

However, Kyouko probably noticed nothing of the pandemonium going on around her. The girl was blissfully selective in the sights she wanted to see that way. Ren would have to convince her in simple terms.

"Kyouko, he's carrying a _gun_," Ren said slowly, as if speaking to a particularly dim toddler. "No, he's carrying _seven _guns."

As expected, she completely ignored him. Ren sighed and resigned himself to another month stalking this "Hiruma." He only hoped he'd come out of it relatively unscathed, hopefully without bullet wounds or permanent psychological damage.

* * *

Author's Note. This was...pure crack. I have no excuse.

Review anyway?


	2. Chapter 2

Ren watched as the pink bubble expanded and deflated. If he were a lesser man, he would be sweating underneath the shoulder pads, uniform, and helmet Kyouko had forced upon him for the recruitment. ("We can't have them recognizing you, Tsuraga-san," she explained matter-of-factly as she deposited the bundle of clothes in his reluctant arms. "Your face is probably one of the most famous in Japan!" Ren had vacillated from being pleased with the almost-compliment to bemused with the startlingly sound logic coming from a _stalker._ There was jealousy and sexual frustration mixed in there too, but those were always present.)

"You don't go to Deimon High," stated the blond who was the root of his troubles. Ren detected a hint of curiosity in this statement and hoped to God he was mistaken.

"Hiruma!" cried out a scandalized brunette, "Deimon High is a very large school. Isn't it possible that you just-"

"No, fucking manager," he cut her off, "there aren't _any_ students here with that fucking ratio of leg length to height."

The girl looked like she wanted to say more, but allowed herself to be momentarily placated by a shorter male.

"So why the hell are you here, fucking infiltrator?" Hiruma challenged, leaning forward with a deadly glint in his eyes.

_There goes any chance of this being resolved peacefully, _mourned Ren. _Kyouko's going to have to explain herself to Yashiro when I arrive at set bloody and bruised. He likes saying "fuck" way too many times to be mentally stable.  
_

Kyouko, who had been pressing her ear to the door and hearing matters get worse and worse, chose this moment to burst in dramatically. The effect was slightly ruined when she tripped over the threshold and hit the floor rolling. She finally rolled to a stop by Ren's chair.

"..." went the other occupants in the room. Ren couldn't help but smile. It was just so like Kyouko to do something like this.

She recovered almost immediately and declared, "Tsuraga-san is not a spy, and he is most definitely not the one at fault. If you need to blame anyone, blame me! Dishonesty must burn like acid to Hiruma-san's delicate and tender ears. Please allow the humble Kyouko Mogami to apologize for her deception and reveal the truth!"

The sincerity in her expression was positively _shining._

"Go on," said Hiruma with a smile that bordered on carnivorous. He had only twitched minutely at the "delicate and tender ears" piece and remained otherwise poker-faced. The rest of the Deimon Devil Bats, however, had the strangest sensation that they were watching a train crash in slow motion.

"I asked Tsuraga-san to try out for the American football team, so that I could learn more about Hiruma-san. Because I-I..." Kyouko's confidence seemed to run out.

He raised his eyebrows. _This should be interesting._

"I really..." she tried again, red-faced.

Mamori was getting a bad feeling about this.

"Ireallylikeyou!" Kyouko blurted out in one breath.

The bubble popped.

* * *

Author's Note:

I had my heart set on making this a one-shot actually. But I got so many more reviews than I expected. Know that this is possible only because of you wonderful, wonderful people.

...I feel like Kyouko has had an infusion of Rock Lee or something. And Hiruma is so difficult, jeez.


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